Antidepressants Side Effects and How I Dealt With It

Two months ago i slapped my mom right on her rosy cheeks. Right at that moment i knew something was wrong, i wasn't myself, it wasn't me that hurt my mom, it was my anger problem. I cried, I cried, I cried, and I cried--so did my mom. I regret it, but at the same time i know crying won't fix my problem. Apologizing and a visit to psychiatrist sure won't make things worse. So i did.

My psychiatrist which i visited gave me Merlopam 5mg for a starter. I came home happily because now i have this drug that'll magically make me happier and calmer. Little did i know that this drug would change my life. In a positive way? yes. in a negative way? that's also a yes. And here's why.

The Primary Side Effects of Antidepressants aka SSRIs

Antidepressants come with side effects including tiredness, lack of motivation, morning depression, chills, blurred vision, reduced sexual desire, etc. But... aren't antidepressants supposed to make me feel the other way around? That's where i'll tell you about my experience. 

The first week

The first week was totally amazing. The placebo effect was kicking in for me. I felt happier. I felt no weight in my mind. Everything is happening like usual, just with me being happier. I slept better, almost 8 hours everyday. That's because Merlopam is supposed to work by making me calmer. And in my case, it did. I just felt, like in heaven, but i knew nothing about what's about to happen the next few weeks.

The second week

My psychiatrist gave me higher dose after 10 days of use. I now on Merlopam 10mg and i take it twice a day which means i'm on 20mg. Now this is where the sh*t side effects start to kick in. 

Because of the high dose, i became really sleepy, too sleepy for my taste. I slept for 10 hours and still felt sleepy. My depression got a lot worse. I mostly spent my time crying. I became too silent. I have a feeling if there was a fire happening i wouldn't notice just because how sleepy i was. 

It was horrible.

The third week

I still take the same amount of SSRIs, Merlopam 10mg for twice a day. The side effects are still there, i still feel extra sleepy, but now with extra addition -- morning depression. I would wake up and cry and want to kill myself. I felt suicidal. I know i needed help so i visited my school counselor and just cry like a baby while telling my counselor whatever was happening in my life.

Real talk, morning depression felt really horrible. You have literal 0 motivation. You felt like your life was pointless, it was like having existential crisis. Even getting out of bed felt really harsh. I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it,... and i repeat those words until i did it. Doing everyday tasks seemed too heavy for me. Even breathing was too tiring. 

It was extra horrible.

The fourth week

This is where i start to see light. God finally answered my prayers. The side effects are magically gone. I told ALL my friends i never felt this happy. I didn't feel sleepy all the time, i smile at everyone, it was just amazing. I thanked everyone, my psychiatrist, my friends, my mom, everyone that was there when i was at my lowest.

How did i deal with it?

Whenever i feel suicidal, i'd remember my mom. I'd imagine how it'd be if i passed away, tears falling down her face. i don't want that. And whenever i experience the antidepressant side effect i just convince myself that every terrible things that i experience right now is exaggerated and unreal, it's all just chemical in my head. I'll get better soon, you'll get better soon. 

You might come here because you're experiencing the same thing as me. And trust me, i consider myself a survivor, and things are beautiful up here. I'm waiting for you. To be with me here, after getting through all the horrible times with all the side effects. Best of luck to you.